i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
