guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
My dick has a subreddit
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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