I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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