i need an iv and a liver transplant
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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