Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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