Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
