Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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