If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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