I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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