Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
