Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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