I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
