That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Randomize
