last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
