I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
