update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
