Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
