He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
