He told me they were just razor bumps!
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
