I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
