he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize