i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
