She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You took a bar mat shot.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
