I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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