If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
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