I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Randomize
