all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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