Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
