I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
