Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Randomize
