Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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