i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
