I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
