Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
