After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
