Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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