Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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