I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
