I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
