What a fucking waste of an outfit
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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