My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
the day after is always just damage control
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
