I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
