you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Randomize
