When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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