Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
