i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
