I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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