He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
