He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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