She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
