apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
