u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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