He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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